like most people, i love speaking my mind. and yes, sometimes it could get me into a tricky situation, but believe me- i sleep easy every night because at least i know that i speak my truth. i speak what i really feel. i’m honest.

i haven’t heard juicy information about anyone and passed it off to the next hungry ear swearing it to be factual. yeah, that’s just getting information twisted. that’s how rumors thrive. that’s how people’s reputations get ruined.

i haven’t constructed any crazy lies about anyone to get them back for something.

i don’t pretend to like something if i really don’t … even if my best friend in the world swears by it.

… and that last point is sort of how i know how much i can admire someone. if you stand up for your shit no matter what other people think, then more power to you. there’s nothing that annoys me more than people that go with the trend. the people that just follow when they know damn well that deep inside they disagree. just say what’s on your mind. express whatever it is that you like. even if it’s not what i like. i will respect someone more who has a different opinion than mine, and totally stands up for it than someone that just agrees with me out loud but hides what they secretly feel for the sake of being a people pleaser. the truth is, if you are the latter, eventually i will just think you are boring. i will start seeking your company less and less… because there is nothing about you that stimulates my mind. on the other hand, friends who have different opinions and speak their mind keep me coming back for more. because gaining experience and knowledge is what growing up is all about. you want to be exposed to different things, to different views, to different types of people. add to your life experiences and you’ll grow. if you’re constantly around people that agree with everything you do, you’ll always feel justified and you’ll never have the thirst to search for something more. you won’t have a desire to learn anything new. and once you meet someone that disagrees with you… you’ll feel offended… and the only thing worse than someone who doesn’t speak their mind is someone that does speak their mind but gets offended when they hear someone else doing it.

let me follow up with this: don’t dish it out if you can’t take it when someone else’s opinion doesn’t coincide with yours. if you get offended when someone shows a difference of opinion, it just shows how close-minded you are. just respect that people feel differently about differently things. i’ll be happy knowing that if you say something, you’re saying it because you believe it with all your heart. and i can’t hate on that. even if it’s different than what i think, i respect that- and i won’t think any less of you. but the moment i realize that you don’t respect that i’m speaking my own truth, you pretty much get booted from my list of awesome people.

i’ll love you if you speak your mind. and i’ll love you more if you can respect when i speak mine.

i’ve gone back and forth with people about many a mind-consuming subject. and i love those people the most. just ask by. or reg. or tinay. or jess g. or marc. or ace. love ‘em.

so i’ve always thought of my life as being “on the rise.” i am the eternal optimist. hopeful in every way. dreaming of only good things to come. and somehow when bad things happen to me, i imagine them only being the means by which i am catapulted even higher and faster on this ride called life- think of a slingshot. bad things that happen are like the part when you pull a sling shot back. yes, i feel the pain and difficulty. i feel the backward motion. i feel the forces of nature working against me. but once i get over those roadblocks, it’s like letting go of that sling. it feels like i’m getting catapulted up higher and further than i even imagined… and i just keep going. so that’s the point, i’m always looking on the good side. i’m always thinking of how through it all, i’m going to come out on top. everything that happens is for the best possible outcome.

and i think that’s a huge part of what’s made my life what it is- a happy one. at times when i was really “going through it,” i never gave up on myself. i just knew that everything was going to be okay.

so i’m not really sure what the point of this post is, but i think i’m just having one of those really good days. i just want people to know that when you think positively, good things really do happen to you. and when bad things happen, they’re not really that bad… and you can somehow find a way to justify them- just another challenge conquered. in the entirety of your life, just another notch on the belt. another fall… right onto a trampoline. you tell yourself that it’ll only get your further, faster.

so when you feel like all hope is lost, don’t. because hope comes from the inside. when you feel like you’ve lost everything, it’s the one thing that no one can take away from you. and hope gets you through a lot. believe me… it’s taken me awhile to realize it- but i have a completely unbreakable spirit.

my wish for everyone, including myself, for 2011 is that we continue to speak and learn more truths and step further and further away from those that bring nothing but false hopes and fake promises.

for a large majority of my life, i’ve been blinded by emotion. i honestly believed i had experienced true friendships, true love, and genuine feelings of happiness. this year, from the prompts of inexplicable occurrences by people whom i believed to “know” i realized that i need to reflect more. i need to see past actions. i need to see through people. it’s the only way to get closer to the truth.

people say actions speak louder than words- but i beg to differ. and i know from experience. people talk a lot of shady shit, but they certainly do a lot of shady shit too. and i remember the days when i convinced myself that i didn’t have to hear ”i love you.” that i could just feel ”i love you.” but now i know that i need to hear it. now i know that it feels twice as good to feel it and hear it.

2010 has helped me see through people that i should have been able to see through all along. in the past, like i said before, i didn’t reflect enough. i made excuses for people. i gave them the benefit of the doubt. 2010 has taught me the power of the individual, the weakness of the “clique.” there may be safety in numbers, but nothing can replace individual, genuine, uninfluenced thought. yes, it’s been hard to see through people- as most of the time, they just hide behind the rest of their pack. they have no individual thought. more people are becoming sheep and taking less ownership of their own actions.

2010 has drawn me closer and closer to people who i can truly appreciate as individuals. people whom i don’t associate with anyone else. people whom i can hang out with one-on-one. people who bring new ideas to light. their own ideas- not something that everyone else is thinking. not “let’s go to Osha/Cha Cha Cha/Cheesecake Factory for my birthday.” not “i just got a new pair of jordans and i’m going to post a picture of them on facebook.” not “minna/som/castro tonight cuz i’m bored/boring.”

so as 2010 comes to a close and as we welcome 2011, cheers to enlightenment. cheers to all that is true. cheers to the people that don’t front, that don’t flake. cheers to getting to the bottom of all those lies. cheers to being your own person.

time for me to put the ize in realize. you know you love it. thanks, reggie. happy 2011.

to be quite frank, i’ve realized that it’s just time to let you go.

i’ve always believed that there are so many amazing people out in the world and that my goal would be to meet as many of them as possible. which is exactly why i don’t understand how the hell it’s taken me all this time to realize that i’ve been trying my heart out to nourish very specific friendships that refuse to grow while there are so many other “fish in the sea.” i realize that a friendship, like any relationship, “takes two to tango”… so why the fuck am i out here dancing by my damn self!?

i’ve realized that i have tons of friends who are/were merely friends with me out of convenience. “oh, so you’re my homeboy’s girlfriend?” “oh, so you hang out with my best friend too?” ”oh cool, we have the same work schedule!” “omg, i always run into you at this bar!” “you’re in this class too?!”… and then all of a sudden you and that guy break up… all of sudden you don’t hang out with her best friend anymore… all of sudden she doesn’t work at the office anymore… all of sudden you decided to stop going out drinking so much… all of a sudden you graduated… and of course, she’s nowhere to be found. surprise, surprise… story.of.my.life… as of late.

it’s hard to notice at first, but after a while- after enough times of trying and failing at calling your friend to hang out – it starts to feel a bit tedious. and even when it does work, after enough times of the-only-time-we-hang-out-is-when-i-call-you; then you start to wonder why and it’s because you’re the only one trying. honestly, she.doesn’t.care.as.much.

and so i’ve decided. i’ve decided to let you go. i’ve decided that it shouldn’t take this much effort just to be friends- and if it does, it’s not a friendship. it’s just me being your punkass minion. it’s me being the robin to your batman. obviously, i need you, but you certainly don’t need me.

i know it won’t make a difference to you since, you know, you totally go out of your way all the time to kick it with me.

since you bothered to call me when you knew damn well that i had nothing to do that night.

since you totally went out of your way to come have coffee with me that one time in the span of five years that you’ve been home for the holidays.

or not.

okay, so that last one was an exaggeration- but that’s what it feels like. that’s exactly what it feels like- to think that all this time you’ve had a damn good friend, only to realize that you’ve had a damn good flake.

• find the opposite of your ex.

it will do you a lot of good- more good than you could imagine. think about it: why did you break up in the first place? chances are, if you find someone completely different, you might not have those same problems.

if you keep looking for the same man. and it’s that same man that you keep failing with, then learn your goddamn lesson.

don’t get me wrong. i’m not saying it’s easy as pie to go ahead and look for someone different than your norm, but just try to be open to it. you could end up finally proving yourself wrong. you could finally end up happy.

it might even open your eyes to something you never thought you’d like… then all of sudden, it becomes something you love.

{+10 exp: i never thought being funny was on my list of priorities. then i found a funny guy. i realized that i didn’t have to be the only funny one in the relationship. trust me, life is way more interesting when your mate is anti-boring.}

significantly important post script:

• make sure YOU are different than HIS ex.

if you find yourself being compared by other people to the former lady in his life- you know, the whole “you look like her… you remind me of her… you’re totally his type… and so on and so forth,” you might want to stop the relationship in its tracks. perhaps he’s just filling the void… with you.

you’re worse than a rebound. you’re just “her 2.0“.

be different. break the mold. prove to him that you’re not a substitute. you’re there to be the breath of fresh air that he needs in his life- not the failed sequel of an already horrific part I. don’t just make up for the negative space that she left behind.

add something to his life… be everything she wasn’t.

if you’re beautiful, lucky you. GOD made you that way. it’s no reason to hate you. pretty girls aren’t hated because they’re beautiful. if i could pay god to make everyone amazingly beautiful, then i would. it would just make walking around and seeing the world around me all the more aesthetically pleasing. i’ve known many many many beautiful girls who were, indeed, 100% sweethearts. so of course, there was no reason to hate them. that’s the good kind of pretty girl. now, on the other hand, there are pretty girls out there who get hated on… and the reason is because they are complete bitches. that’s the bad kind of pretty girl. the one you actually do hate.

now let’s start with the good pretty girl. she’s pretty and she knows she’s pretty. when someone compliments her on her looks, she says “thank you” and leaves it at that. when it’s been a while and you’re catching up, she doesn’t go on and on about all the guys that have been chasing her tail. she talks about other things- more important things. her favorite pictures aren’t solo shots of herself after a great makeover, they’re pictures of good times she’s had with friends and family. to her, looks are not everything. looks are just a plus. a plus that she happened to be blessed with.

and then there’s the bad pretty girl. yup, that bitch that you hate. you know, the girl who goes out thinking she doesn’t  have to bring any cash because every guy that sees her will buy her a drink. she’s the one that’s pretty and knows she’s pretty and is definitely not shy to talk about how pretty she is. her main objective: finding girls who she can accuse of being jealous of her- so that she can show off just how envied she is, ultimately making herself feel even better… about herself. come on now. if you’re soooo remarkably beautiful, why go through all the trouble of accusing other girls of being jealous of you? stop telling everyone that “they’re jealous.” if they are jealous, just let them be. no need to draw excess attention to it: posting it on facebook, telling the first person you see, or for that matter writing a whole goddamn song about it, miss keri baby. (which my younger brother owen so ingeniously pointed out can be misunderstood as “miscarry baby.”) quite honestly, i think the only reason a pretty girl would accuse another girl of being jealous is because she does feel somewhat threatened by her. she’s got to attack her in some way. she’s got to make herself feel even better than that girl: so “not only is she not as pretty as me, but she’s jealous of me too!”

and as her secondary objective: find flaws in other people and point them out in any way possible whether it be making fun of them to others or just treating them like shit to their faces, again ultimately making herself feel even better… about herself. 

you.are.a.hands.down.b-i-atch.

god, you’re already pretty- just be thankful for that. why do you have to go about treating people like they’re not as good as you or talking badly about people so that rest of the world thinks they’re not as good as you? that’s why people hate you… you’re a goddamn evil witchasaurus rex.

she’s a bitch because she has to constantly stroke her own ego and the only other way for her to do that (aside from singing her own praises) is to make other people feel worse about themselves.

and so when it comes down to it, the big question of the night: “if she’s so amazingly and so obviously beautiful, then why does she go to such wicked extremes to make sure everyone knows it?”

… because she knows that she’s got her looks …but not a single thing more.

he.was.everything.i.never.realized.i.wanted.

i had “my type” in my head and that’s what i thought i’d end up with. he didn’t fit the mold. but then i met him; i met him for real this time. and this time it was different.

he changed my mold. he changed what i wanted. my mold changed into him. everything that i wanted became him. i didn’t just have a type anymore. this time i had a man.

he proved me wrong. he made me second guess. he made me question myself and what i wanted. he made me that girl. that girl that changed because of her man.

they say a guy shouldn’t change for any girl and a girl shouldn’t change for any guy.

but you’re not the rule, you’re my exception. i’ll be that girl… for you.

this will be a controversial subject, but today, i’d like to say that insecurities come from your significant other. yes, that’s right: it’s not your fault, it’s theirs. why, you might ask… let me count the ways.

(for the selfish sake of making this blog easier to write, i’m using the format of girl/guy relationship, from a girl’s point of view… but it goes all ways. i just prefer not to use pronouns like “they” ‘their” “them.” it gets confusing when everyone is “them.” also, in no way is this post a reference to my current relationship. i’m perfectly happy now, which is yet another another fact that solidifies my arguement.)

1. she underestimates your love/like for her- because you don’t show it enough. i know people say that actions speak louder than words, so if you’re not gonna say anything, then you better effing do something… otherwise, she interprets it as no love whatsoever.

2. she doesn’t feel like you have fun around her- because you probably don’t have time for her and would rather spend the time you do have with someone else. when you’re with her, you act like it’s a chore and the moment your boys call (or hell, even other girls for that matter) you’re up and at ‘em with coat and keys in hand.

3. she gets insecure because she feels you might have feelings toward other girls- this is probably because you talk about how hot other girls are around her (while at the same time are guilty of reason number 4. see below). “other girls” meaning not just a celebrity but a real life girl that you might actually bump into at the grocery store because she lives in your same small town/ went to the same school/ is a member of your family/ goes to the same parties.

4. in the looks department, she doesn’t feel up to par- because you don’t notice, even on days when she does try. if you’re going out to dinner or to a birthday party, she’ll probably dress up a little. you know, get a little gussied up for a special day. if you don’t say anything when it’s time for you two to step out, then she thinks she’s not as breath-taking to you as she may be to her 12 other guy friends that night that will, in fact, compliment her. but in her mind, these guys’ compliments don’t make up for a damn thing when the one guy that does count doesn’t say shit.

5. she starts to get not only insecure, but suspicious (dun dun dunnn)- because you’re doing some shady shit that she can’t explain. if you get pissed when she simply asks you where you’re going, you’re probably doing some shady shit. if you will not let her get within 3 feet of your phone, even if it’s just to hand it to you because it’s ringing, you’re probably doing some shady shit. if even the thought of her being suspicious about you immediately makes you defensive, then you’re probably doing some shady shit.

6. she doesn’t feel like your “number one” – because quite honestly, you don’t treat her like it. you treat your friends better than you treat her. when you’re around other people, you act like the sweetest guy. you sit and talk to your other homeboys/homegirls about their problems. you offer rides to them. hell, you might even cover the bill every once in awhile. but when you’re alone with your girl, everything’s split down the middle. you probably make her drive most of the time, you asshole. you don’t open doors or offer to carry things. you avoid going to cafes with her because you can’t stand having a conversation with her that lasts longer than 5 minutes.

7. she feels underappreciated- because she is. you could at least show a little gratitude when she goes out of her way to buy you something that you can’t afford. or when she drives an hour away to see you. or when she leaves work early because you start work late and you’ll only have an hour to spend together that day. or when she suddenly and unexpectedly becomes DD at 2am. or when she doesn’t actually tell anyone about what an asshole you are just to save face for you. just say the word and she goes out of her way for you. and you act like it’s her obligation.

and after all this, what then? why does she stick around? if you really were such an asshole, wouldn’t she just walk out? well maybe when she first met you, you treated her like one of your friends, not like a girlfriend. maybe she knew you for your good side. the appreciative one- the one that wants to be around her. because all of a sudden, she’s in love with a guy that doesn’t exist anymore. but she doesn’t realize it. instead she thinks she did something wrong to make you change the way you treat her. the moment you two become an “item” you become the asshole… and that is what makes her the insecure mess. it’s your fault, you dickface. word of advice: if you feel your girl is insecure, check yourself.

i’ve taken on a new job. not half as interesting as my former one. but on the good side, i don’t have to deal with half as many people. i deal with numbers, and paper, and new systems, and a few people- all of whom i like and none of whom are complete idiots. and yeah, i might not get as much free shit anymore (i.e. food from fantastic restaurants)- but this is a stepping stone toward a brighter future… where i can just pay for things like regular people- … hahaha, how’s that for an idea? … and maybe somewhere along the way, i can start something of my own… where i’m the one deciding who i want to treat.

i’ve started watching “dexter.” you know, the one on showtime. and when i say “starting,” i mean i watched two whole seasons in two days. it’s effing good. i’m starting to think in a monotone voice like dexter morgan. and i find myself anticipating masked bad guys at every dark corner.

i know i’ve said it in the past, but i’m really trying to crack down on this whole fitness thing. it’s important. i don’t want to die of a heart attack someday because of all the bacon i ate when i was in my twenties… on that note, let me just say that in no way does this mean that i’m dieting and depriving myself of all the foods i love (say, bacon donuts for example). but it does mean that i’m going to work my ass off at the gym so that my body might be able to compensate for all the delicious, glorious, sugar-coated calories it takes in.

lately, i’ve felt like there isn’t enough time in the day. but at the same time, i realize that with the little free time i have, i usually take naps or just veg out … watching dexter or something. so for now, this is what i think: i need a new hobby. i need a hobby, period. i need suggestions. got any?